Be Still

Today I went for a walk and I had a great time praying. It was one of those times that everything fell easily from my mouth and I felt the Holy Spirit moving on the insides. Sounds creepy but true. I have been feeling like crap all day long and I've just been in a crappy mood. I've been in one of those poor me moods. You know the one...everyone is to blame but me. I work harder than everyone else. I'm tired and no one cares. No one can see how to fix it but I can and can't say anything. Why am I in this situation? Why do I put myself in this situation? Everything and anything is not right.

I could go on and on with all the conversations I kept telling myself. Finally, I heard BE STILL. As I walked my brain turned off and nothing mattered anymore. The accusations were gone. My feelings evaporated and for just a minute I could breath. There were no pent up emotions. There were no rapid heart beats. I was still. For just those few minutes I felt free. I felt like all would be OK. Then the voices came back. As I tried to filter them, I heard that still small voice again tell me to BE STILL.

As I walked, I continued to focus not on what I have done for others but what HE has done for me. Christ could very easily say these same things right back to me that I was saying about other people but he doesn't. He says to BE STILL...know that I am God.

I continued praying for my girls who were at school. The things they were encountering today. The people who were coming across their way. I prayed that they would be a light and that they would find just a moment and BE STILL.

I prayed for my husband and even though I didn't like him this morning, that God would help me to love him like only He could love him. That I would allow my husband to lead me instead of me leading my husband. This is something I struggle with day in and day out. I prayed that God would change me instead of  my husband like I've prayed so many times before. I prayed that my husband would find time to BE STILL.

In my world, it is so hard to find time to BE STILL. I'm a multitasker and there's just not a second to just sit and do nothing but listen for what God has to tell me. I don't have the patience or the time for that but sometimes God creates those moments that we so desperately need. He helps carve out the time to cast our cares on him. He helps us by taking our burdens off of our backs and carrying it himself.

Why does he do it? Cause he loves us. Why o why can't I love him like that? I prayed that I would find opportunities to BE STILL. No matter how difficult it is to break away...I have to. He listens to us...we need to listen to him.

I'm Back!

I'm finally back from vacation! We had a great time but I'm certainly glad to be back! It's nice to go away but so many times you need a vacation to recover from your vacation! We went to Destin, Florida and had a great time! Already looking forward to next year :) I, however, will sit out from being the event coordinator. I think I had a little too much on the agenda! I was originally going with the idea of relaxing on the beach and just hanging out enjoying the sun and surf (with sunscreen on, of course!). What actually happened was that we had a packed schedule with not only sun and surf but a lot of extra stuff for the kids and adults. Despite being busy, every day ended with the feeling of excitement that we still had days to go before the end of the vacation. So many times, vacations just wiz by and you don't get to really enjoy them. Not this time! Every day was an adventure and it was so fun to look forward to what the next day brought.

While on vacation, I tracked calories and did amazing...til our travel days home. By that time, I felt the need to reward myself for doing a stellar job and thought I needed fries and dessert (AKA Milkshake). If I would have skipped the reward fest, I probably would have lost weight. All in all, I gained 2 REAL pounds. I say REAL pounds because I had a lot of water weight that I got rid of pretty quick. The few days after vacation when we got home I was in a funk because of my reward fest and it took me a few days to get back on track. I think I'm good but I still have moments of weakness. Let's just say I'm looking forward to a new month - September can't come soon enough. Our real schedules will start and my races will be coming up. Even now, I still feel like it' summer despite the fact that school hast started (CRINGE)!

That's right...school has started. The girls are loving school even though they'll probably tell you something different. Even thought they started on Wednesday, it wore this mama out to get things ready in the morning, showers for the girls, work full time, and head home to do dinner and help with homework not to mention clean out the flower bed. WORE OUT does not begin to describe how I felt. By Friday I was ready for a long nap. That, unfortunately, didn't happen. How am I going to cope during a longer week, you may ask? Easy answer...some friends and I are starting to make freezer meals. I'm so excited! This will help tremendously! We're starting this Thursday :) Each of us are making 2 meals so after it's all said and done, we'll have 6 meals. We're doing another session in two weeks where we're swapping with a few other girls. Hopefully by doing this, I can pop a meal in the fridge in the morning and Nate can pop it in the stove on my way home. Can't wait til Thursday! I'll fill you in on how it goes!

Weigh Day

Had a weigh day yesterday and I lost 1 pound. I'll take it! Had a little bit of an epiphany yesterday as well. I always try to think of something that I really want to eat on weigh day. It's something that I normally don't have and it's something that I can treat myself to. Yesterday I wanted Canes but I opted for Wendy's...I was more set on the Cake Freestyle machine than anything. I wanted either Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla or Diet Vanilla Coke. I kept hearing people talk about cheeseburgers so that's what I ordered. As I was ordering I saw these cookie and brownies next to me that I was convincing myself that I didn't need. I had the thought that I was going to breeze right thru he cheeseburger and that I should grab the brownie while I could since it was my "cheat meal". After much debating in my head, I decided against it. Victory #1. I left with my Diet Dr. Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper , single with cheese, and small fries. I had the fries which were great :) and then started in on the single with cheese. I was telling myself to pay attention to my hunger pains and if I felt full that I should stop. Half way thru, I felt like if I went any farther than I'd be miserable. I folded up the other half of cheeseburger and pitched it. Victory #2! An hour later, I felt horrible. Since I don't eat greasy foods like that very often my insides were telling me...actually yelling at me for putting my lunch inside it. My insides did not like my lunch selection ;) Victory #3. I call this a victory because it's a testament to how far I've come. I'm making wiser selections when I eat out and pay true attention to the things I put in my body. After still feeling like crap later in the day, it was a true confirmation that I'm not going to load up on crap when we're on vacation. it's not worth the pounds that it will add nor the time I will spend on the "can". Who wants to spend time in the bathroom when you can spend it on the beach?? After entering my numbers under my progress, I've seen that I've come along way. Even though it's taken me a long time to get to that point, I am changing. Slowly, my body is getting smaller but my confidence is getting bigger. I wanted to be at 170 by today but 186 isn't bad. I'm a work in progress! Here's to a great vacation :)

Packing

Packing is what we're going to be doing in the next few days. To tell you the truth, I haven't met anyone I know that likes to pack. If you do, I think there's something really wrong with you. The daunting task of making sure every article of clothing is washed before you start is what always stalls the process. You know that you're going to want that one piece of clothing that's at the bottom of the laundry pile. And you can't forget those one pair of undies that feel so much better when you travel. You know the ones! Least I mention that you can't take just any PJ's...especially when you're traveling with extended family. They have to be presentable PJ's...not the mix and match PJ's that are OK for home. The ones with the hole in the knees or armpit...again, you know the PJ's! Yep, that's me in the next few days. Let the laundry begin! I think my husband is about ready to strangle me because I'm being a laundry lunatic and monitoring what goes in the laundry basket because really...is it dirty enough to wash?? Have you worn it for at least 12 hours? If your family or kids are anything like mine they change about 4 times a day doubling the amount of laundry that REALLY needs done. It is what it is and everything will get done one way or another...most times it means me, the mom, staying up till 3AM and rising yet again at sunrise to make sure everything is just right before we head out. Since we leave in the middle of the day, I have to make sure it's all there before I leave for work because once I'm gone, I'm gone and there's not turning back. Again, my husband thinks I'm crazy because the car has basically got to be packed well before we have to leave. This is to ensure that all suitcases are packed, snacks are in their proper position, magazines are secured, and children are essentially accounted for. The only thing that would be missing is, well...me. I'll work for a few hours... or act like I'm working - everything will have been emailed, scheduled, confirmed, or sent out and I sit. Waiting for the clock to strike so I can leave. The seconds...the minutes...the hours creep by but eventually it happens. The clock strikes the magic number and it's officially time to go...to the bathroom that is. All the kids out of the car and one last pee stop! Once everyone has emptied out their bladders it's time to pile in the car and that's when my vacation begins. So until then, I'm counting down the seconds...the minutes...and the hours waiting for the clock to strike while I dig for my presentable PJ's!

Another Day...Another Dollar

Guess what?! Today is Friday...couldn't be happier to be at the end of the week. I had another successful weight loss this week. I lost a pound which doesn't sound like much but I'll take each and every ounce I can get! I'm feeling great today! Yesterday was weigh day so I treated myself to lunch at Chipotle with my mom...then treated myself to pizza out with my father in law who is in town from Nashville. Overall, I did well for the day but after eating out twice, I felt like I needed to put in some time with my trusty treadmill last night. Got in a good run and now I'm ready for the weekend. We've got a family get together with Nate's side of the family this weekend and it will be good to see everyone! Hoping for great weather and good memories!

We've got a couple of busy weeks ahead which I'm happy and sad about. We're heading on vacation soon which I'm so excited about but at the same time, once we get back it's back to school time. It will officially be the end to our summer. Things went so fast...so much faster than what they do during the school year. I treasure these days home with my kids. It's so nice to stay up late, wake up late and not having to worry about having an agenda. I hope we cope with school starting early this year. My only saving grace is that the kids get out in May next year and then the summer starts all over again.

Things will be very different for Nate as this will be his first year without kids during the day. The time has finally come for him to have all this free time I've been promising him from day one of his disability. He's not going to know what to do with all his free time. I'm sure he'll fill it up in no time but it will take some getting used to. I love that it also means that we can have our mornings together. The girls will get on the bus around 7:30 and I don't leave until a little after 8. 45 minutes of US time!

OK, gotta get back to work...after all it's another day...another dollar! Looking forward to the next few weeks. I'll fill you in as I can! Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Quiet On The Western Front

The girls are in bed and Nate is at his uncles trying to fix our lawn mower. I just got done going thru all our bills and paperwork trying to get caught up. Things have been so crazy at work that I haven't had a chance to pay some things so tonight was the night. I went thru my bag, got all the papers in order and went to town making payments. Lucky, the money is coming out of an HSA so it doesn't hurt as bad as if it were coming out of a checking account. I can almost see an end to our medical bills! By the beginning of September we will officially be medical debt free! It's been awhile and I can only hope and pray that the girls stay well enough to help us take money out of our HSA to pay ourselves back for money we've taken out of the bank for down payments for Aiva's tonsils and my surgery. That's right...I said Aiva's tonsils! That was about three years ago! Looking forward to building back up our savings. I've always been more the saver and Nate the spender so to see us move towards saving and restocking our savings account bring me much happiness.

I weighed in this week and maintained. I'm totally OK with is as it's normally a gain week for me. Hoping for great things next week! I'm continuing to run and work out which has been hard because of the heat! Looking forward to a cool front coming in this weekend. It makes working out more enjoyable (who am I fooling) when it's not as hot. Looking forward to a family day tomorrow! With Nate gone tonight, I was also able to catch up on cleaning so I don't have to tomorrow. Love that feeling of a free weekend to love on my family. Not sure what we're doing this weekend but I'm sure there will be tons of laughter and lots of tickles :)

Bad News....and Good News!

OK...so the triathlon that I've spent the past 4 months training for was called off on Friday. I was so bumbed...words can't describe how disappointed I was. All my clothes were laid out. I planned my meals just right. Mentally I was ready....and then I got the email. The beach where the tri was supposed to take place had experienced some flooding and the park was deemed unsafe. Again, the bad news is that it was canceled...even worse is that I can't go to the makeup date. This will keep me going for at least another year though. I'm ready for the challenge plus I've got some 5K's to run between now and then. I'm so excited for these races and they're going to be so fun in their own ways. The first one  is the Busy Babes Marathon 5K in Centerburg.

I'm running with several girls from church. We're all doing our own race between the 5K, 10K, and half marathon. Can't wait! A week later, me and my family are running in the Miles for Melanoma race in Columbus.

It's the first race in Columbus for this organization so I'm really happy to be there for the first race and plus I can support a cause close to my heart. PLUS I get to do it with my family. Ana is so stoked to do this race it's funny! She's been dying to run a race with me so now she gets her chance! The last race of the year is the Hot Chocolate 5K in Columbus.

I'm either running this with a coworker or with Nate. Either way I'm excited because this was my first ever 5K last year and it will be nice to go back and run in Downtown Columbus and get some yummy hot chocolate! The atmosphere was amazing last year and I can't wait to experience again!

I'm feeling great these days and I'm in the best shape that I've been in years. I can't wait to continue! Stay tuned for what happens next! I've got a weigh in tomorrow so we'll see what happens! Here's hoping for another lose!

My Progress

So I added a page on my blog for you to follow my progress. Although slow...very SLOW, I am making progress. I just want to show other people that if things aren't happening fast enough for you, it's completely normal. Stick with it! Things will change...you're size will decrease, your cravings will decrease, and your confidence will increase! I'll fill you in on some of my growth spurts as I go on. I'm leaning new things about myself each day but one thing remains the same though...trust God and love yourself. Make yourself a priority. If things are going to change you have to Love God and Love Yourself. As a mom, we're so busy to make sure that our husbands feel loved and our kids feel loved that we forget about ourselves. By the time we make time for ourselves we're tired and out of energy. Do it today!

Ready or Not!

Well folks, we're coming down to the wire for my triathlon! I did a trial run on Sunday and I felt great...other than my bruised tailbone! I injured it a few years ago and it's been aggravated ever since I started training. If I can just get thru Saturday I'll be in good shape. In the trial run, I did great on the swimming, and pretty well on the biking. I didn't get a chance to get to the run but I'm sure I'll be fine. My stomach was feeling a little queezy due to not eating properly the morning of the trail run and having lemonade with me instead of Gatorade. I think I soured my stomach so I wont be making that mistake on Saturday. The week has flew by which is a good thing because I don't have time to be nervous for Saturday! I lost almost two pounds this week and I'm officially starting to wear a size medium! It's a slow process but I'm getting there! Other than planning out my meals and working out, we've been getting things ready for our trip to Florida. We can hardly wait! We haven't been to the beach in a couple years so it will feel good to get back. We're going with Nate's parents and brother and sisters. So far we've got a great trip planned! Looking forward to making memories!! With that said, the next time I post, I'm hopefully going to have great memories of my race on Saturday. By that time, I'll officially be an triathlete! Move out of the way, I'm gonna get my metal!

Back & Better Than Ever

WOW! My last post was back in January...a whole 6 months have come gone. Hard to believe that so much can happen in such a short time. Not sure why I can't get this blogging down to a daily or even weekly cycle. It's so much fun to look at what's happen or what we've been thru as the years go by. Like I said though, it's been a busy year so far and I see I've made a lot of accomplishments. As I look over my goals that I had for this year and last year I see that I've already met a lot of my goals. That's encouraging right there! I've got an awesome group of friends that help me along the way and it's nice to have friends to lean on as we go thru this life. I'm looking forward to next weekend :) Some friends and I are completing in a triathlon. It's hard to believe that I've gotten bold enough to do something of this magnitude but ready or not...here I come. A week from tomorrow and we'll see what I'm made of. Philippians 4:13 keeps going thru my mind these days as I prepare. Looking forward to it being over and taking on another challenge...my next 5K in November. The girls are doing amazing and loving summer. I can hardly believe that it's half over already. We've got a vacation planned in a few weeks that we're looking forward to. We're going to the beach with Nate's sister's and brother's. It will be nice to get away!

OK, so here I pledge again. I'm going to try to keep up with this. Looking forward to getting back to blogging. It's a way for me to escape, if only for a brief few minutes. On that note - I've got a to run. An experiment is taking place without supervision! Yikes!

2012 Resolution Update

 In my last post I said I would give an update of my resolution gaols from last year. Here they are:

1. I want to be healthy - GETTING THERE
2. I want to get rid of the back pain when I sleep - DONE
3. I want to lose the spare tire - ALMOST DONE
4. I want to be able to get my wedding rings on and off with ease - GETTING THERE
5. I want to be able to wear the new ring Nate just got me for Christmas - GETTING THERE
6. I want my girls to know how to be healthy by what I do and eat - GETTING THERE
7. I want to lose the dip in my bed from me being over weight - DONE
8. I want my top "half" to be smaller from my bottom "half" - GETTING THERE
9. I want to climb a flight of stairs without being out of breath - GETTING THERE
10. I want to be able to wear boots that are cute - GETTING THERE
11. I want to be able to go into a dressing room and have my oldest say that I look good - HAPPENED ONCE
12. I want to decrease the risk of me getting cancer - GETTING THERE
13. I want to wear shorts and tank tops in the summer - WE'LL SEE!
14. I want to wear a bathing suit without people looking at my skin rather than the suit - WE'LL SEE!
15. I want to wear a size that doesn't have an X in it - DONE!
16. I want my husband to not have to feel "fat" when he puts his arm around my waist - GETTING THERE!
17. I want to put on my seat belt without pulling the whole belt out - DONE!
18. I want to be able to do jumping jacks without me peeing my pants!! - NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
19. I want to be able to work out without my top "half" going in different directions - GETTING THERE!
20. I want my husband to pick me up and carry me across the thresh hold - ALMOST!
21. I want to cross my legs instead of my ankles - I'M DOING IT MORE OFTEN NOW!
22. I want to get out of these size 16 jeans - DONE!
23. I want to wear that little black dress in my closet that's a large - DONE!
24. I want to treat myself with other things besides food - GETTING THERE!
25. I want to not be the big person in pictures - GETTING THERE!
26. I want to take a family picture where I feel good about how I look - DONE!
27. I want to be in pictures with my kids instead of taking the pictures - DONE!
28. I want my underwear to lay on my stomach instead of under my spare tire when I bend down - DONE!
29. I want to wear fitted shirts and not be conscientious if flabs are sticking out - DONE!
30. I want my family to feel proud of me - DONE!
31. I want to take warm vacations instead of cold vacations - THIS SUMMER!
32. I want to be able to dance with Ana - DONE!
33. I want to wear a coat instead of carry a coat - DONE!
34. I want to LIVE instead of sit on the sidelines and watch - DONE!

Resolutions

So last year I listed my weight resolutions and I just found it a few weeks ago and it reminded me that I needed to come up with some new resolutions. That's right...I met some of my goals so it's now time to set some new ones. I'll give an update on my previous goals another day. For now, this is what I'm resolving to do in 2013:

1) Wear a medium
2) Wear the black dress that's a medium in my closet
3) Cross my legs without forcing them to stay
4) Get on the ring on that Nate got me for Christmas in 2011
5) Feel OK with my picture being taken
6) Run another 5k or better
7) Drink more water
8) Get cute bras and panties
9) Get out of a large
10) Have to get my wedding rings made smaller
11) No smokers cough after running
12) To make better choices while eating
13) Run a 5k with Ana
14) To get tennis shoes more than once a year
15) Get into a size 12
16) Make my necklaces smaller in length
17) To not beat myself up over a gain
18) Putting my fork down when I eat
19) Making better drink choices when out to eat
20) Work on my saggy arms
21) Try insanity
22) Learn a different workout
23) Try to eat healthier....less pizza
24) More fruits and veggies
25) Reward myself with something new instead of food
26) Get my cholesterol checked
27) Get rid of old or big clothes
28) Get a cute bathing suit not to hide but to flatter
29) Get family pictures
30) Work with Aiva on eating better or exercising
31) Dress up
32) Get my scale to work
33) Figure out how to lose weight by working out and eating right
34) Don't be bad with eating just because someone else is
35) Have Nate hold me accountable
36) Get away from having a day or meal where I eat whatever I want - Eating 2days worth of calories

2013

 Yikes...where did 2012 go? It was a year full of...well, stuff. There were a lot of downs but also a lot of ups. The year started out like any other. Full of resolutions and dreams for what the year held. Unfortunately with the melanoma diagnoses, everything came to a stop. It was a rough summer but we got thru. A new house was waiting for us on the other side of my surgery so we had something grand to look forward to. We love our new location and the girls are in heaven by all the open space. We've christened it with a sleep over, plenty of brush pile fires, and a big trampoline in the yard. We are truly blessed. This past Christmas was one to remember in our brand new house.

Even though with the sparkle of a brand new house, it took a race to get me back up on my feet. I was in depression after surgery and didn't know how to pull myself out. It was the words a friend spoke that got me up and moving. She asked me if I wanted to run a 5K. My initial thought was, "Heck, no" but something inside me made me sign on the line to commit. After weeks of training and encouragement from my friends I finally did it. November 18 was a day that I'll never forget. My family was there to cheer me on and I did it...I couldn't rely on anyone to get me thru other than God. Like 1 Corinthians 9:24 says, I ran in a way to get the prize and that I did. At the end of the race was a big cup of hot chocolate. Unfortunately, it was crappy but I finally got there. The rest of the year was filled with the excitement of Christmas.

Now that 2013 is here, I've done a lot of reflection and I'm so ready for a new beginning. My aunt got me a daily calendar that has a scripture every day listed from the book of Psalms. The one on January 2 keeps coming back to me so I did some digging and found a version that I can relate to. In the NIV version of Psalms 25:21 is says "Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee." I love those words - integrity and uprightness. When I looked at the Message translation it resonated within my soul and I knew that it was the Holy Spirit stirring things within me. It says, "Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product." After last year, I feel, and at times still feel broken. Like I'm a puzzle that still needs put together. It's my prayer that God would use all of skills to put me together this year because I know at the end, there's a glorious picture that awaits me. Ever see a picture in passing that just catches your eye? You can't think of anything but the details in that picture? I want to do that with the pieces that he's putting together. I want to be so in awe of what is looking back at me. Here's to a great 2013!

My Melanoma Story

So there's a reason that I haven't written in awhile. A good one...I promise. I guess it's not really like the other reasons. It all goes back to February...I'm guessing...maybe longer if you go back that far. I was in zumba class with a co-worker and before class, a lady came up to me and at first I thought she was going to mention something about the shirt I was wearing. I was wearing some Westerwear (Westerville Christian Church wear) and thought for sure she was going to say that her son or daughter played in our church basketball league. What she said had my mouth about hit the floor. Not at first, of course, but once I was gone and in my car I was floored. What she told me was that she was a dermatologist and that I should really have the spot on my leg checked out. She asked if I had it long, which I did...or maybe, so I thought. You see, to be honest, I'm not sure when the spot formed. I thought I was little but as my family go back thru pictures, the spot isn't any where to be found. I told her that I had someone look at it and everything checked out OK. She smiled and said that I really needed to get in. As my friend and I later laughed at the encounter it really got me thinking. I couldn't remember who actually looked at the spot...was it my OBGYN...was it my family doctor? I couldn't remember.

I thought about it for a few weeks and then holding my breath and praying one day, I dialed the phone number to the dermatologist to make an appointment.

About 4 weeks later (it seemed like eternity) I walked thru the doors of the dermatologist with my mom to find out exactly what I had. Everyone was very nice and wanted to know all about my history and I proceeded to tell them. The doctor then came in and wanted to know all the same information that I had already told the three other people but this time around it seemed so much more important. I don't know why offices do that...you would think they would communicate about stuff like that! Why does one have to tell the same story 4 times! Back to the story...The whole time she had this concerned look on her face that didn't give me warm fuzzies. After detailing my life history, she said that it didn't look good and that they needed to take it off that day. To my surprise my mouth said "let's do it" but my brain was thinking something entirely different. Basically, that's when I started to feel a little nervous about what I had. During the biopsy and after, my doctor talked in dept about melanoma and what to expect. She didn't even give me any inclinations that it was anything other than melanoma. Sure enough, after the biopsy, I walked out of the room to the billing department carrying my chart. In the doctors notes, she wrote "rule out Malignant Melanoma". There is was...in black and white...my diagnoses.

That weekend was grueling and took eternity. Nate nor I really wanted to talk about anything really long term. Everything just seemed so bleak. Saturday night at church, Nate even went up to pray and asked if I wanted to go. I, thinking he was praying for a cousin, went with him. When he proceeded to pray for me, I lost it. Up until then, I hadn't talked to God about my situation. I felt like if I actually prayed about something then it would actually happen. I certainly didn't want this to be happening to me. I didn't want this to be real. I wanted to wake up from the dream and continue on living my life. All weekend we just felt like we were walking on egg shells. I hated that feeling.

Monday eventually came but every call that came thru on my phone had my heart beating faster and faster. Which call is it going to be to give me the bad news? How bad is it going to be? It came and so did the news. I wish that I had someone there asking the questions and giving me the news face to face because I basically forgot every word that the doctor said other than "malignant melanoma". She asked which doctor I wanted to use and if I had any questions to which I responded, "I don't know." I just didn't know what to ask...how to feel...what to do next.

My doctor told me that she was referring me to a doctor at The James and that they would send me paper work about my upcoming appointment. When she said "The James" my heart just about stopped. Only people with cancer go there...looks like I'm one of those people now. I just couldn't comprehend what was going on. The one good thing that the doctor said was that she thought they caught it early enough. Even today, I'm holding on to that and hoping this is the end of it.

After changing doctors so I could get in just a tad earlier, I started to feel more at peace with things. I knew I was in good hands being at The James and the one thing that kept me going was knowing that I had a vacation scheduled. I thought that if I could have this surgery scheduled early enough so I'd be in tip top shape to head to Chicago I'd be great. I really laid all of this in God's hands and said "Have your way."

The day finally came for my consult with my surgeon and I was a little anxious...in a good way. It didn't hit me though until we arrived at the OSU campus and I saw The James. Tears flooded my eyes and I willed it to not be happening. A gal from church who recently passed away came to mind and I prayed that the same wouldn't happen to me. Prayed, in faith, asking God to see me thru this. We sat in the waiting room surrounded by cancer patients, both new and old...hair and some with no hair...you know the ones. They finally called me back and I went thru the same Q & A as what I did at the dermatologist's office. Thru the course of the day, I was evaluated by 10 people, all with different responsibilities. I received two full body checks, got my blood drawn, xray, and EKG. My doctor was great and explained things to Nate and I in ways that we would understand. She was young...she was kind...she was understanding. All things I prayed for. We found out that the surgery was going to be more than just taking a little more off of my leg. It was going to be very extensive. I am to be in surgery for 3 hours and the incision is to be 8-1o inches. I'm going to have a few lymph nodes removed to see if there are caner cells present and to hopefully cause me from having the melanoma to reoccur. If the area on the back of my leg is too tight, they're going to need to do a skin graft on my back. This is the thing that I've been praying most about. If they do the graft, I'll most likely be on my stomach for 1-3 weeks recovering. If I don't need the graft I can at least be laying on both my back and stomach and the recovery won't be as hard.

Overwhelmed is one word to describe how I felt. I walked out not knowing what really happened to me. The words and pictures were all so foreign to me but at the same time so understandable.

Between now and then, a lot has transpired. I continue to have great peace about things. My doctor is amazing and we've talked a couple times on a project we've got in the works. That's another blog post that's going to be coming. I'm working, along side of The James, on a project that will definitely bring awareness to sun protection and hopefully prevent more people from getting melanoma. It's amazing how things are coming together!

I've got a great team of family and friends who are there to help me after surgery. I'm defiantly going to need them. It's going to be a long haul but God's got me on this course for a reason. If He brings me to it, He'll see me thru it! Stay tuned for how things develop on my journey. Last thing...May is melanoma awareness month...do me a favor...rather do yourself a favor. Get in to your dermatologist and get your skin checked. Also, buy you and your family some good sunscreen. Protect yourself and your family. Cancer kills!

Time out

I've taken a little time out the past couple weeks. I've feel like I've been beat up, hit, and run over but I'm still up. We've been looking for a house and that's taken some time out of our schedule but what's taken most of my thoughts these past couple weeks are on something that's a little more private. I'm not one that share's every nook and cranny of my life but I feel like I have to let everyone in on something that's been consuming my thoughts. I went to the dermatologist last week on Monday and they discovered that I have skin cancer. It's a rather large melanoma but they feel for right now that they've caught it early. I've got an appointment with my oncologist in April with surgery to follow. It's one of those things that hit you right in the gut. Cancer is cancer and I really don't care if it's skin cancer or any other type of cancer. It's scary! My doctor feels that this is doable but she did say that it will probably come back again, maybe even sooner rather than later. Last weekend, as we were waiting for results, I didn't want to think about anything that had to do with the future - anything from the next week to the next few years. Everything seemed so hung up in the air. When the doctor finally called and said that it was skin cancer, I felt almost relived. The waiting is really the worst part. I guess the thing that I hate the most is that I've told only a small group of people and I hate when people tell me that it's no big deal and that they've had it done and it's a piece of cake. Having surgery in a hospital...having surgery at a cancer hospital...is a big deal. It is a big deal to me and as much as I know that it probably won't be a big deal, for right now and right here, it is. It's huge. It effects me, my husband, my parents, and my kids. I am so glad that I've had Nate and my mom with me these past few weeks. Nate has been there with me two times a day as he changes my dressing on my leg. My mom has been there reading things and telling me how good my doctor is. My kids have been there praying for me and asking if they can help me as I stumble up and down the steps. I have an amazing support system but one thing that this whole thing is not is a piece of cake. My poor husband is so scared to death about things. At the end of church last weekend he asked if I wanted to go pray at the front of the church. At first I thought that he wanted to pray for his family (long story). But when we got up there, he starts crying and praying for me and that God would heal me. This whole ordeal has defiantly brought us closer and I've realized more than ever that I need him. I'm not a needy person and I'm rather independent. For me to need his help is a true eye opener. I can't do this without him and I'm so glad that he's been there with me very step of the way. For right now though, if you're reading this just think about something. If someone is going thru something please don't tell them that it's no big deal and that it's a piece of cake. Even though it may have been for you, it's not to them, at least not right now. Be there to listen, to understand, and just to hurt for the other person. Be there to pray, to lean on, and just to love on that person. Be Jesus to them. I can use any and all prayers if you're willing to lift them up for me. If you need me to pray for you, I can do that. I have a line of communication going with with the big guy these days so feel free to share with me and I'll be praying for you too. I'll keep you updated so stay tuned for any updates. Love you all :)

Board

I'm really board right now and I'm almost scared to go in the kitchen for fear that I might ruin the day. I've already had dinner and I'm done for the night but the boardem is killing me. I've checked out Facebook, looked at Pinterest and even prayed. I'm half tempted to take a nap. I've got no desire to work out and actually I'm just plain tired. I don't feel like cleaning anything and all I really want to do is veg and watch my kids play on the Wii. What to do...what to do. I hate this feeling! Every night I am so stinking busy and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It's nights like tonight when there's nothing to do and I really don't want to do anything that I get in trouble. So instead, this is the exercise that I'm going to partake in:

I'm not going to enter the kitchen. I've turned the lights off and the kitchen is closed! I'm made for more than this and this is my time to prove it!

Self Motivation

I've constantly got to keep myself motivated or else I'll start slipping backwards. It's so stinking easy so I really have to watch every thought, ever bite, and everything. Pinterest and YouTube has been a lifesaver. I've found so much encouragement and motivation on both of these sites. This is one that I can truly relate to:

For me, instant gratification is so important. I need to realize that this takes time and that it's something that's going to take awhile. As you saw in February, I did Fab Abs. I love this workout because it gradually increases and is truly very challenging. Last week I tried looking for a workout calendar for March. After much looking and no success, I gave up. To my amazement, I found one on Pinterest today! I forwarded it to my small group and now I'm ready to go for my next workout! Wanna take a peek? Here it is:

I'm on day 20 for Fab Abs so I still have 9 days to go but as soon as I'm done, I'll be starting Mad Abs! Anyone with me??

I've also been doing meal planning which I haven't yet posted but I've got on my refrigerator. Here's what's on the schedule for dinner:

2/29 - Stromboli

3/1 - Spaghetti

3/2 - Out to dinner with my brother

3/3 - Grilled Cheese

3/4 - Pigs in a Blanket

3/5 - Pancakes

3/6 - Tacos

3/7 - Fruit Soup

3/8 - Chicken N Noodles

3/12 - Mac N Cheese

3/13 - Potato Soup

3/14 - Subway

Get Rid of It

This morning I got rid of some stuff and I'm saying good riddance to all of it! I'm starting to get into that comfortable stage with my clothes and it's time to start feeling a little uncomfortable so I stay motivated. I got rid of all of my size 7 panties and my one pair of 16's that are just big and now has a hole as of yesterday. I'm left with my size 6 panties that fit but are tight enough to always switch to my 7's. Time to get the 5's so I have a fall back once the 6's are big :) I've lengthened all my 16's so at least they're long enough it's just that they're awkward fitting. I decided to wear a pair today that I just never wear because I have to get out of this size and on to 14.

I looked at that picture of the girl in my last post and I need to keep telling myself that it's just a number and to not concentrate on it. I need to concentrate on the feel of clothes. To recognize the feel of "full" when I eat and stop when I feel convicted. I've been working out and getting a good sweat so I need to keep it up and tell myself that this is it...this is my life...GET USED TO IT! At this early stage in the game, working out is essential if I'm going to goof up and eat something I shouldn't...have more of something that I shouldn't. Little by little it will come off.

The Dreaded Scale

After this morning, I think I've' declared that I'm not weighing in. I think that's where us girls get held up...heck, even for guys too! I think we feel and think we're doing so good to only be let down by stepping on that stinking scale and see that the numbers have either increased or stayed the same. This is my mantra for the day:I don't know if thin people weigh in as much as people who are overweight, but I'd like to think that once I'm smaller and hit my goal that I'm not going to be so concerned about a number. I'm going to be content and if things are getting tighter than that means that it's time to walk more or watch what I'm eating and drinking. I need to focus on how I'm feeling and how things are fitting. After weighing in this morning I kind of got down but then I put on these jeans and they felt great. They weren't tight. I know they aren't going to leave marks on my tum from being squashed all day.I know I'm not going to feel like crap all day. That's a result of hard work! I need to focus on that and a lot less about what the scale is saying. Check out this picture I found on Pinterest:

We get so concerned about a number that we actually lose sight about what we look like and how we feel. Even though the girl in the second picture weighs more than what she does in the first picture, she still looks amazing! You can tell it in her thighs and abs! So here's what I'm concentrating on:

Food for Thought

I've seen, or rather heard of, this before but living it is another thing. I think that's why I always fail. I want to see instant changes and when you don't, you end up reverting back to your old self. I've had a really good two weeks and I'm starting to see changes in my body. It's exciting! I had thought that since I do zumba on Wednesday nights that I could take the morning off but I decided against it. I got an itch to do it and so I decided the night before that I would do it in the morning. At 7AM when my alarm went off I really didn't want to get up but this phrase kept me going:

I seriously wanted to stay in bed but I knew that I would feel so much better after it was done and crossed off my list. I have to get into using the mentality. I'm so not used to it. My parents never worked out. They used to get into riding bikes but they were never the ones to go running for a few miles or do sit ups and push ups. Since I've been doing zumba in the mornings I've been feeling so much better. I work up a good sweat in those 30 minutes that I work out. After I'm done with that I do the Fab Ab February routine and work up a little more sweat :) I started out on this slow but I'm finishing strong. I know I can do it! I've got my incentive of having my hair cut and highlighted waiting for me and I'm determined to work for it so I can say that I earned it.