Friday, April 15, 2011
I couldn't take the waiting anymore. The alarm is supposed to go off in 30 minutes and it took everything I had to stay in bed this long. Today is the day that Aiva is supposed to have her tonsils out. This has been a love hate day from the time we sheduled it. I know that I'm more worked up about this than she is. She has no clue what's in store and I know that's a good thing. I just remember back to when I had mine out when I was 18 and it was awful. I think the thing that I'm so afraid of is seeing the pain in her eyes as she looks at me 5 hours from now. I can barely stand to think of it. I'm sitting here balling and I'm hoping that once I get all this out I'll feel more at peace. I've heard stories from other kids who have had theirs out but it doesn't help the ache in my heart. This is my baby...I have to remember that God loves Aiva so much more than I do. Even though I can't wrap my brain around that one, I know it's true. I just pray that the moment we walk into that recovery room...the moment that we round the corner...the moment that we pull the curtain back...Aiva will not have that look in her eyes. That look that says, "Mom, you knew how it was going to be...you knew that it was going to hurt...you knew that there was going to be blood...but you still put me through this." Call me what you will...dramatic, over-reacting, ye of little faith, whatever...you don't know unless you've gone thru it. Guess I have a little glimps of what God felt like as he awaited the time for Jesus to be crucified. He saw that pain in Jesus' eyes and I'm sure it was hard to bear...the pain that said, "Dad, you knew how it was going to be...you knew that it was going to hurt...you knew that there was going to be blood...but you still put me through this." You probably knows what comes next...that's how much he loved him. That's how much He loves Aiva.