Happy

This is the first day in a long time that I can say that I am genuinely happy. There's no other word for it but happy. I know that sounds completely lame and "oh my gosh...you haven't been happy since when?" Sorry to disappoint a few but hey...it's been a long road and I am happy to say that I feel we're on the path to something new and awesome.

We got our tax refund in the bank today and I guess you can say that's what started off the whole happy day. I took the time to call everyone I needed to call to notify them of the refund and all that I had to do to go along with the refund (which is another blog of itself) and I was finally able to breath a deep sigh of relief! Everything just seems right with the world (other than seeing the first Hilliary Clinton ad on TV!). Then it hit me...it's sad that it took money to brighten my day. I know they say that money doesn't buy you happiness. Well, I'm here to say that it sure helps. Try going through a week wondering where you're going to come up with money so that your husband can get to work. Or maybe how your girls are going to have milk in their cereal without $3.00 to get it. It was such a hard couple weeks but I finally feel....free. In a sense...happy!

Then I talked to Mark Stier, my old boss. Seems they have a spot that's going to be opening up soon at the church I worked at and they want to talk to me on Monday about taking the job. I am...well...happy! There's no other words for it. If this works out I would be...happy. More than that though. Eternally grateful. I wish I never took that job at Dell. Well, I can't say that. I met the two most inspiring girls while I worked there. Cassie. She was the one who I was most close with at the beginning. We were a like in many ways. I prayed for a Christian friend and God gave me Cassie. I just found out that she was able to quit Dell and has a job that's opening up back in KY for her. I'm so happy that she got out of that situation and was able to head back home. Thanks Cassie for the memories, the laughs, and the tears. I loved coming in to Dell in the morning and sharing our raccoon eyes with each other! The second was Toya. Toya and I got tight at the end. I really, in my heart of hearts, think if I had tried hard enough to get through this Dell thing it would have been with the help of Toya. She was so encouraging. Who knew that she was a Christian too. Non-denominational...thank you Jesus. One thing that I will take away from Toya is from a sermon that she had shared with me from her church. Her pastor said that when you're in times of trial that you shout out to God, "Hallelujah, Glory to God, Thank you Jesus!" Because it's in times of trials that we learn and we need to thank the Lord for those trials because it leads to mountain top joys. I find myself saying those three phrases quite often now. Not only in times of trials but in times of joy. I said it a lot today. I think Toya knew I was thinking of her while I was praising my Lord cause I got a call from her! Thank you Jesus for my friend Toya. We are so different but so much the same. I am proud that I met her because of her and her willingness to open up about her faith we have a bond that will last for all time. When I think of these two girls...it makes me happy!

OK, enough for today. I need to get going and rest my happy head! Hallelujah, Glory to God, Thank you Jesus!

Solemn

I guess that’s a good word to describe my mood. Things have for the most part been going great but I’m back again to feeling down. Something happened within the past two days so set me off balance and I need to focus ahead and know that things are going to get better…it’s just a process. Aiva has been a little helter skelter and has set me into a tailspin as well. I just figure her out sometimes. When she doesn’t take a nap in the afternoon she’s a beast that night but even if she does do a nap she’s just as beastly …specially this week. I’m at my whit’s end. If I can just get through the next week I think things will be back to normal. I’ve been going through the book Purpose Driven Life and I can tell that God has been working on my heart. I should have read the book sooner but God has perfect timing. Who knows I probably wouldn’t have been able to “get it” until now. I needed to go through what I did in order to fully grasp what God wanted to tell me. I’m dreading the book ending because I can really understand the author. Like I say about our pastor, he brings the cookies to the first shelf. It just clicks…probably a God thing more than a coincidence! All in all, this past month I have learned a lot and I can hardly wait to see what else he has in store for me. I’ve asked a couple girls from church if they wanted to do a study called Captivating and I can hardly wait for that to start up. Not only so I can keep up with my quiet time but also to have some accountability and encouragement from other Christian women. I’ll keep you up to date and let you know how it goes but until then I’ll keep praying that God’s hand be over the ones who are thinking about joining and that God’s will be done through the group. I’m trying not to dwell on this “thing” that happened yesterday but it’s been hard. Very consuming…help me God to lean on you and give me strength to look past my troubles. Bring me to your feet and help me to focus on your merciful face and into the arms of Jesus.

Relief

I can breath a little easier now. Nate got the job at Kroger and starts on Dec 30. I'm not too happy about that start date part...I was hoping that he could start earlier but we'll settle for the 30. I think he actually did that though so he can go to Nashville. I'm hoping that by going to counseling tomorrow that might change his mind. I'm really not into going to Nashville especially after all that's happened so I'm really hoping that the counselor is going to give us a clear picture as to what we should do and what is right. I just wish that my in-laws would stop trying to make Nate feel guilty. Yes, I know that he wants to go to see his brothers and sisters but what about what is right for his family. Does that count for anything. I guess not. I just want to get them on the phone and scream but no...I'm better than that. I'm trying to be the bigger person here but it's hard to not want to call and tell them how it is. Hopefully I'll have good news in my next blog. I doesn't even really feel like the holidays b/c everything is so up in the air as far as where we're going to be. Another issue at hand is me trying to find a job. It's in the works but nothing has come through yet. I feel at times that I'm still healing. I know it's so hard to explain but what I went through at Dell it has mentally broke me. I felt this way after the doctors office too but I need to pull up my big girl pants and move on. It totally helps being back in our home town. I know I couldn't do this in Nashville. I have so much support here that this is just what I need. I just talked to a gal today that I really respect and she was able to give me some encouragement which is just what I needed. I thank God for her and for others that constantly lift me up and make the effort to call or whatever to see how I am. OK, that's it for now. We'll see what happens after tomorrow!!

Home

Well...I think you can say that in a way. We are finally home. Home not in the sense of a house but in the sense of a place. So much has happened since my last post and there's much to fill everyone in on. I've quite my job at Dell and I'm more than happy about my decision. My in-laws are very much not happy with me but oh well. I had to do what was right for me...and I feel so much better. Like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. We moved back to Ohio and I feel so much better to be in our own environment. I should say...my own environment. Nate isn't happy but is doing this for me. If it were up to him we would be back in Nashville. We're hoping that he can get a job at Kroger...where he had applied and was hired before we moved to TN. A guy that goes to our church does the hiring and we're hoping that he can get Nate in the door. I'm hoping and praying that will work out. I don't know what we're going to do if that doesn't work. Keep praying I guess. We have been so fortunate that my parents have once again let us move back into the in-law suite until we find something more permanent. Things with our house is a mess too. John, Nate's uncle, is keeping our money and isn't giving it back to us. I'm so mad that I could spit fire but I'm hoping that one day he'll come through and give it back to us. Until then., we have to save money in hopes of getting enough to put down on a house. Like starting over again...such a great feeling. The worst part is that Nate's dad isn't even standing up for us. It's his brother that's hanging on to our money and he doesn't even have the guts to stand up to his own brother. Enough about that...this whole situation is enough to get your blood pressure up. I must sign off for now but more later...hopefully when there's an update on a job.

Sad

Another fitting title! This evening I'm finding myself very sad. The time is coming to when I'm not going to see my family very often if I continue to stay at Dell. I am so miserable that I can hardly stand it. I miss home and I guess ...well, I'm just sad. Saturday is my last day that I'll get to have a day off during the weekend for three months. It wouldn't be half bad if it were just a month but this is all through the holidays plus were supposed to work extended hours from 9-9PM. I'm just praying for a miracle. I keep looking for a job for Nate but I feel like I con only do so much. I want to spend time with the girls and every minute I'm away from them is like a point for Dell. I went to this website when I first started and I know what they're talking about when everyone gives there two sense. Dell is Hell...enough said. For all those whose mouths are now on the floor. I know...Dell has done something to me and I'm not proud of it. I just want to be done so I can lead a normal life. Money isn't everything and therefore see no reason to stay working at Dell. I just want to quite. How am I going to go through the holidays...Ana's first real holidays and not be there with her when they do special stuff for Christmas? This is killing me. Cathy & Mike, Nate's aunt and uncle, were here last night and this morning with us and I couldn't help but think about asking them to pack me up in their suitcase and take me back. Just a taste of home is leaving me very hungry to get back. It can't come soon enough. I just want to shout out, "God what do you want?". Last week I was actually in the car and I was screaming at God. I was so frustrated and even though those around me probably thought I was a lunatic I was so mad. I don't know why I'm...we're...going through this. All I want to do is see my kids and make a little money to pay bills and put food in our mouth. Everything else is just extra. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I can't get any lower...I know I can but wish not to go there. I try to stay positive but it's like everything at Dell is a let down. Well, I have to close for now. Time for bed. Morning comes too early. Any morning that one must go to Dell is a bad morning! Hopefully the next time I write I'll have better news...plus a better attitude. Please pray!

Done

I thought that was a pretty fitting title considering that today is the end of my 4 day long weekend and also the way I feel about Dell. I am so ready to be done with Dell. I hate Dell and I could care less if I ever see the building or any Dell products for the duration of my lifetime! The girls birthdays were out of this world and we had such a great time. Yesterday was probably the best day out of all of them. We went to Opry Mills and looked around Bass Pro for a long time and then walked around the mall. It was good just to be out and not have to worry about anything other than having fun with my family. Talking about family, I'm missing my family a lot today. I really wish I could go over to mom's and just talk. Aiva and I were laying on her bed just a minute ago and we were talking about everything that we missed. Aiva said that she missed her blue room and her jungle gym. I said I missed mom and my red kitchen. If I could go back now I would in a heart beat. I just wish that I would know what's ahead. I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I know that I have to for my family. At least until Nate finds a job or unless I find another job. I had an interview on Thursday which went pretty good but I just don't feel right about it. Probably since it's an hour away. When you're on the phone talking while driving it doesn't seem that loing but when it's you and the road it can be a pretty long drive. Today Nate and I were going through the paper looking for jobs for him and I really hope something comes up. I just want to stay home with my babies no matter what I have to do. I just wish Nate would give me the OK to not go back and I would stay home while he goes to look for something. It makes sense to me...I'll have my checks coming in for next week and also my commission check at the end of the month. I know that he would be able to find something if he concentrated on it with no distractions. I just want to be DONE so bad that I can almost taste it and I'm about ready to say forget it and just not go back. Lord help Nate if I do that. I know everyone and their brother would tell me that I need to stay there til I find something but I feel like this is a desperate circumstance. I almost hope that they find out and fire me. I know that's the worst thing to think about but I can't help myself! Well, enough Dell hate. I have to get going. Aiva keeps calling out "MOOMMMMMYYYYY!" I must tend to her with tickles and hugs. Boy, do I love loving on her! I can't wait til I get to do it all the time. I hope something comes up soon for a job for Nate!!!

Birthdays

The time has come to celebrate both Aiva and Ana's birthday's. We are so excited that the time has actually come. We've actually talked in detail about all we were going to do in getting ready for the big day. First we were going to celebrate them separately and then we were going to do them together and now we're doing a little of everything. I'm just glad that I was able to get off on Sunday so I can have a full weekend to celebrate Ana and I also have Wednesday off for Aiva's birthday so I have Wednesday and Thursday off for her. Now if I can get the other days off that would be great! I'm actually working on that so hopefully things will come through. More on birthday's later. I fill in the details once the big day arrive and more on the job situation later as well.